solitude - choice for voice. my own.

its been real.

Wed, 23 Mar 2005 15:13:57 GMT

Never look back on the past with regret
For the days that might have been,
Nor the promises made that were never kept
and the goals you did not win.
For life cannot always be perfect
And our days don't always shine bright,
And promises are sometimes broken
And dreams may not turn out just right.
But no time has ever been wasted
Nor did idle tears just fall
That the dear Lord was not watching
And understood it all.
For to everything there is a season,
A time to reap and sow,
A time to laugh and a time to cry,
And a time for us to grow.
So let the ghosts of past memories
Fade and slip away
For the promise of another season
Begins with another new day.

Farewell, fair cruelty.

shachah before my king.

Fri, 18 Mar 2005 15:30:50 GMT

Light of the world
You stepped out into darkness
Opened my eyes, let me see
Beauty that made this heart adore you
Hope of a life spent with You

CHORUS
Here I am to worship
Here I am to bow down
Here I am to say that You're my God
You're altogether lovely,
Altogether worthy
Altogether wonderful to me

King of all days
Oh so highly exalted
Glorious in heaven above
Humbly You came to the earth You created
All for love's sake became poor

I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sins upon that cross

CHORUS

because it never gets more real than this. because i've never felt such joy, such meaning, such love. because i'm coming into being, breaking into dimension, growing deeper in love with you and loving you so much more. because i'm so excited, so hungry, so thirsty to discover and rekindle a sense of awesome wonder. because i don't care what other people say, i just want to run after your own heart. because i want to consecrate myself on a higher level. because i'm set apart from this world. because moving into your call has proved to be no burden but your sweet pleasure overflowing on your servant. because it involves sacrifice and surrender. because i am willing to be shaped and moulded. because because because i really want so much more of you.

hiatus.

Mon, 07 Mar 2005 14:35:07 GMT

i'll be forever grateful for the open door of opportunity to be there. its an honour to embark on my own personal retreat with jesus. blog on hiatus.

life changing encounter with the living god.

knocked out senseless.

Sun, 06 Mar 2005 16:22:36 GMT

as with many, i've reached the critical juncture when i ask myself directional questions. say, where do i go from here? how i can be really sure that this is what i want to do, merely just for now or for the rest of my life? casual shrug of the shoulders, hasty replies of appeasement to acquainted human curiousity. i am immensely grateful to God for his ever faithful love and grace, for results that i probably didn't deserve but was blessed with anyway. A for div was fantastic, all that an-essay-a-day mantra paid off. many many thanks to mdm chan for going through all those essays and giving sensible, note-worthy advice. A for lit was pure joy since it is so unpredictable. smith and tan, smith and tan, essays and essay outlines. thank you. A for maths was a freaking miracle. i really have to thank the tuition teacher, he's seen me through my worst battles with maths. all that hair-pulling, tears of frustration and overnight mulling amounted to more than i could hope for. B3 for GP was just fine.i thank the Lord for going before me and paving the way, asssurances of his divine plan and the countless times when he gave me such a comforting peace of mind. its been real. i know it ain't perfect. expectation and a certain lack of recognition, badly wanted taints the moment meant of rjoy and elation. i guess i can only be this good, only achieve this much. and please, i don't want no scholarshit. give me a freaking break. just go away.
"Forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead"
results behind me, tung ling starts today. in like 7 hours. i've got to wake up in 5 to meet my classmates. freaky shit. in just one batch there are like 6 people from the same church, my church. i shall restrain from the clique mentality, cliques are destructive, childish and exclusive. although exclusive does appeal to me tremendously. here we go then, a 3 month launch into an unearthly idyll. psyched.

sardonic.

Wed, 02 Mar 2005 15:17:41 GMT

[lips poised, forcefully upturned into a smile. eyes baring windows to one's soul. read mine.]
i mask under shades of half-smiles and grins to get by. encased by self-doubting fears, wrapped in bitter resentment, anger and broken disappointment. the wait draws to its own closing and my shattered self-worth takes a beating. as nuturers, they can induce such feelings of immense uselessness and even cheapness. naive lingering thought brought forward with disillusionments of being adopted in secrecy, being of strangely royal birthright. foreign untrue descent yet perhaps secure in the knowledge of being worth more than a piece of paper with freaking worthless letters in print. the value of certain things can never be learned if they have to be earned. its just fucking cheap. i hate you. no i do not. god help me. be to me everything that they fail to be.

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I just stared out my window
Dreaming of a could-be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying not to reach out
But when I'd try to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray (I would pray)
I could breakaway

[Chorus:]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around wild indoors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

grim.

Tue, 01 Mar 2005 16:19:42 GMT

monosyllable of disappointment. oppressive silence. war.

Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness
Who will be there for you
Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion
Never dreamed out in the world
There are arms to hold you?
You've always known
Your heart was on its own
So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone
Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived
Life can be loved
Alone.

in one sphere, to see worlds, souls, divinities. to soar above bathing in the white light of wondrous wonder. not unruly magic, just pure child-like wonder. visualizing senseless dreams, carrying vague notions of destination, indifferent to offensive time waste, emboldened audacity to dream, struck stunned by uneathly beauty, feeling so strong in nothingness and illusion. worrying merely for one's sanity.

stakes.

Fri, 25 Feb 2005 16:39:14 GMT

overwhelming questions that rush into this untimely place and time, shaking familiar landmarks of certainty. the realisation that my foundations might have been built on uneven rocky ground. doubt that creeps in like a silent stalkish killer and then steals your ground like a whirlwind. it is a gifting to be able to reach out to lost souls yet sometimes you pause and ask, why must it be so difficult? perhaps as those who have embraced the gracious love of the father, we yearn for an equal measure to express and share that love with those significantly positioned in the core of our lives. its interesting the way the man up there works, the way he shows himself to each and every individual. you can have 153 children responding to the altar just because of a simplistic drama depicting the love of the father and then at the other end of the spectrum, you have the cynic with all his intellectual pride grasping for tangible answers to intangible answers. and one can get so worn out and discouraged just by trying. needless to say, one's faith also suffers from an incidental beating when the burden of doubt is cast upon your own shoulders. from then on, you can perhaps only resolute to walk on in greater conviction or lose yourself trapped in an abyss of doubt. as said, and i quote:' Reason without faith is madness. Faith without reason is blindness.' how then can we transcend beyond being either blind or mad or both? Charles Colson once said, 'Christian faith is not an irrational leap. Examined objectively, the claims of the bible are rational propositions well supported by reason and evidence.' possible? maybe for fundamentalists will simply point to the bible as the absolute truth, the key word being absolute. being raised in the kind of environment where all upper authorities plainly told you to look within the bible for truth, it is inevitable that one turns into a carbon copy of one's rigid uppers. Atheist, George H. Smith instead advocates that,' Christian theism must be rejected by an person with even a shred of respect for reason.' weirdly enough, i sway more to smith's view even though Colson is a christian and a strongly grounded one at that. in a world where uncertainty is the only certainty, surely christianity is not a stipulated set of ground rules, ideal and DOs and DO NOTs. Christian faith is indeed an irrational leap. although the bible clearly holds truth, the broad definition of the word truth does not permit us to restrict it merely to biblical content. clearly, the english language has several limitation when it comes to encompassing and defining terms of the unearthly realm. truly who can aptly describe the essence of one's faith? perhaps if you can describe exactly what constitutes your faith, you'll find that what you have isn't a faith but something built on knowledge and faith of others. faith inherently does follow the concept used in the mass e-mail, you don't see natural elements like air and heat but you just know its there. as with many things, what we hold on to is merely a fragment of understanding and revelation, at least for a time as this. i actually revel in the thought that our wisdom and understanding can never reach completeness here on earth because it keeps me desperately searching and it really ensures that i never lose the essential sense of wonder. it creates in me a healthy dependence, strikes down individual pride and a clear acknowledgment of grace. i might not be convincing in speech and argument. i might not hold all the answers to perplexing questions. i might not have searched into that many avenues of knowledge. i might not understand all the relative theories relating to the diverse dogmas out there. but surely i know that my saviour lives within me, thats all that really matters, at least for me. you and my saviour, one day.

"Love Song For A Savior"
Jars of clay
In open fields of wild flowers,
she breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses
in no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best
The sermon echoes through the walls
A great salvation through it calls to the people
who stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on our lips
Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call us and we will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

It seems too easy to call you "Savior",
Not close enough to call you "God"
So as I sit and think of words I can mention
to show my devotion

"I want to fall in love with You"

"my heart beats for You"

insidious infamous innuendo.

Thu, 24 Feb 2005 17:42:09 GMT

how can we be so different and yet so alike? when i was little, i had make believe friends, and they were perfect. they were complex fictional characters that were purposefully encased in my protected bubble of security. i never remember fighting much with my make believe friends because as all fairy tales go, the characters are merely actors playing out a plot and everyone does live an eventual happily ever after. and then you transit into another phase of your life where you finally meet your very first playmates, childhood buddies. i never really did have childhood buddies well probably because the parents felt that exposure to my own siblings suits them just fine. then of course, i didn't have say, for they that has never eaten of the fruit cannot lay claim to its taste. looking back, i probably would have liked a childhood friend, one that i would grown up with and share the most innocent and happy days of my life. too many changes overwhelemed once school came into the picture and there was an inevitable contact with children of the same age, needless to say, although vaguely different, the schools were an instituition which sheltered individuals from the beastliness of human nature. somehow being oushed out there into the open workforce has been an enjoyable yet rocky eye-opener. you realise that it sin't the same as school where you see at least a semblance of fairness and where good was rewarded and evil punished. unlike the star wars movie, the workforce seems to be an extension of the darkside where chaos and spite run rampant. i am officially leaving the job on monday and in many ways i really need a well-deserved break. being plopped there, i've learnt that pushing oneself to give of one's best is clearly not ideal because it is never recognised nor is it an advantage. instead, friends turn on each other like animals and the tensions leading to evetual conflcit arise. as with me, i can't sweep in under the carpet or bottle it all up inside forever, the volcano explodes someday. i guess i do get affected by sarcastic comments of spite when clearly my reasoning is, no matter how much i do its not going to change how much i'm paid. this isjn't school and no, there isn't a grading criteria nor a report card. its frustrating when you've done everything to perfection as ordered and a small change to an insignificant clause causes your perfect work to be trashed and you have to start over. it can also be frustrating clearing up someone else's shit or one might feel a tinge pissed to be doing so much in comparision. everyday one must ask for extra grace, patience and forgiveness especially at times when i wanted to call and just cry to certain people. it really helps to be less sensitive and to really learn to brush off everything without taking it personally. i've had to speak up, be cruel to be kind to amend things but underlying tension still lies, no hard feelings please. i know very well that i need to get away and clearly the big man up there sees and truly knows how much i can bear.
i've learnt perhaps that in order to keep one's spirits up and soaring, it would do good to never lose one's sense of wonder and humour. i'll keep laughing and singing all day long. keep the sms traffic up, sometimes i don't know how i'll get through the day without the finger-and-thumb folks. can one help but be selective, someone prove that we are wired that way? should one feel guilty over being selevtive? pride personally irks but somehow you just wonder if pride or a lack of confidence is worse. more often than not, pride is linked to insecurity. so there. i've been having frequent clashes and with it comes the realisation that i can't work with everyone. high expectations? most probably but i guess different folks different strokes, i need divine compassion to flow from above. i am psyched about tung ling, i really am. acceptance letter just came. woo hoo. i really should take a lesson on forgiveness, loving and letting go.
in other news, my dragonfly died. the metal container which provided more thna sufficient oxygen was unable to porduce food. i forgot.

ideal.

Tue, 22 Feb 2005 16:39:08 GMT

i really need to carry with me the certainty that whatever i'm doing is right, that the road that turns off into a slip-road is a temporary rest and refuelling point instaed of a slip-point. i'm just really wondering if all the sacrifice is worth it. been craving to return to hong kong shopping paradise but i guess do it all or not do it at all. completeness. question of big sacrifice, knowing that i probably won't have the chance to do something like this. as sam said, hong kong will always be there but a span of 3 months in the near future is almost impossible to imagine or foresee for that matter. its funny how you're desperately trying to avoid the obvious answer and then the man up there resounds his will amidst your intellectual pride and reluctancy of desire, "better is one day in your courts, better is one day in your house, a thousand elsewhere." i'm probably going there with apprehension especially about the revelation of divine calling and destiny. i am fearful that it will be too much to bear. forewarned of life never being the same again, of promised trials and challenges... i ask myself daily is it worth it? surely he has his awesome plan mapped out, every puzzle piece of earlier preparation all seems to fall into place with the last puzzle piece held tightly in my hand. am i willing to embed it into the exact place so that the puzzle can be completed to serve its purpose or am i still gripping tightly, unable to submit to the ultimate purpose of being complete? what is it? whatever it is, i've secured a place and thats a worthy cause for celebration. imagine an idyll away from this earthly realm where every day is just running after the Father's heart. no wonder the wise and worthy seniors speak of withdrawal symptoms.

at 12:11am, i am throwing packets of tissue at a dragonfly to chase it out of my room. crazy bugger refuses to budge despite my well-intentioned attempts. bugger has now been trapped in a well-ventilated metal container and its fate is now pending in my hands. i feel sadistically powerful.

"Promise me you'll never forget me because if I thought you would I'd never leave."

freak.

Sat, 19 Feb 2005 01:45:41 GMT

[hmph.]
someone is being such a bitch. fullstop. Seriously. Someone is being a major pain. I doubt I can take this any longer. I really need a change of environment. Too much contact produces friction. My tolerance to irritancy is insanely low. God help me.

worthy investment.

Fri, 11 Feb 2005 03:44:35 GMT

being faced with the disintegrating mass of mess before me, i'm convinced i need to find a cheap sign-maker to custom make this for me. thus solving mother of all problems without lifiting a finger or getting it grubby.

Shakespeare By The Bay - Romeo and Juliet by TNT Theatre Britain
3 March 2005 - 6 March 2005

TNT theatre has developed an international reputation for presenting dynamic and powerful productions of Shakespeare's major works. Now the company brings its widely acclaimed version of Romeo & Juliet to Singapore on its world tour.

The setting is a hot summer in 1950's Verona, where Latin passions flare. This is an Italy where honour, pride and family loyalty are valued above morality, peace and love. In a modern world equally rife with violence and intolerance - where peace seems as elusive as true love - this great tragedy is as pertinent as ever. The production is highly musical and visual, with a live score is played and sung by the performers themselves. The symbolic forces in Shakespeare's poetry are brought to life: Cupid, Venus, Night and Death each struggle to possess the star-crossed lovers and triumph beyond the fragile world of humanity.

Romeo & Juliet premiered in Tokyo in May 2004. The production tours to some twenty countries worldwide in 2004/5, including Britain, Germany, Austria, Sweden, Norway, Singapore, Thailand, Dubai and Japan.

$25 with a free food voucher worth $8 is freaking cheap, despite it being outdoors. romeo needs to propose to juliet under a full moon. 3-6 march had better be full moon days. it does bring back old faded memories tucked nicely at the back of the head, indexed under the labels, brainless, sappy, shakespeare, love and smart monk. i did have a distinct soft spot for friar Lawrence and his wise words of, "steady and slow, they stumble that run fast." romeo and his arduous flowery profession of lies, i mean love. "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." between the 3 shakespearan texts that the convent haphazardly exposed us to, this was by far the most deluding. midsummer night's dream was a little too advanced for the 13 year old to plunge into, symbolisms and all. merchant of venice was well, amusing but bordered on boring. romeo and juliet was just aaahhhhh..... love. simplistic plot but beautiful language, poetry and disenchanting fairy-tale dreams of all men being like romeo. and of wanting to be as desirable as lady juliet, he that marries her shall have the chinks. when you have a brother writing for the entertainment circle, it just seems like you're making a huge fuss over nothing. i mean, you hear of things like this without typing www.sistic.com, obtain free flyers that he has no need for and tingle with sheer excitement that he's interviewing juliet. mental note: freaking get into a job that i enjoy, pay is secondary. indeed there are better things to blow money on besides csi vcds to veggie-tate in fromt of the tv.

bling bliong.

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 15:54:01 GMT

Reflector
by Planet Shakers

Since i've found your love
I've never needed anything to fill my heart
Even when i fall
You're always there with open arms to pick me up
From the start i knew
No one else could make me feel the way you do
Everyday i want to grow
Just a little bit closer, just a little bit closer

I want to be a reflector
I want to shine with your glory
I want to let the whole world know that you're
Living in me

I want to burn with your fire
Shine my light a little brighter
I want to let the whole world know that
Jesus Lives in me

i'll be undignified for my king. give me strength to begin, courage to rise up and silence to quench the voices that keep putting one down.

festivities galore. bright red and glittering gold decorations that line every house. surrounded by people donning freshly pressed new clothes, the imprint of a tag's hole still vaguely visible on the expensive material that contributes towards the vicious market of commercialism. snacks and goodies in superfluous spread in a superficial gesture of generosity. monetary rewards of appeasement soothe the vice of materialism. so caught up in celebrations of small talk and feasting. has the festival lost its meaning just because so many have gone before us? i saw an old man digging through the bin for strewn drink cans amidst the extravagant celebrations and the festive mood vanished in a flash as quick as a cracker pop. i really feel so jaded.

well? gone?

Sat, 05 Feb 2005 19:01:12 GMT

[newness. innocence. need.]
can't bear to leave although there have been many tempting pulls in the opposite direction. firstly, the pay ain't fantastic, in fact it is peanuts. secondly, i have to work on saturdays, thus i've lost even the tiniest semblance of my social life. thirdly, its probably more work than other jobs, more work than photocopying, filing and a little data entry. fourthly, there is no overtime pay. and then there's the whole issue of being so and so's whatever and having differences in terms of expectations and standards witht the co-worker. aside from all of that, i've come to really enjoy the casual working environment, the quirky habits of each and every person there. its basically an all-female environment unless you count the 2 bangla workers and well that ain't very good, no cute lawyers to swoon at or to be disillusioned with dreams of marrying some rich man. i guess i have learnt a lot both from the work scope and the individuals who i come into contact with. everybody is just so.... so... nice, i really can't think of a better word. being made to do things that wrench me from the idyll of my comfort zone really assure me that this is god's place for me, at least for now. playing and acting today wasn't even bad, it was fun. enough exposure and i'm sure i'll become numb to self-consciousness.

i think the question that really still remains is really about timing, in regards to what will happen within the next few months. for now, i'll rest in the litle certainty that i grasp onto. on the wider scope of things, the issue of future direction and calling still leaves me in a daze. i'm no longer getting frustrated and confused to the point of breakdown and god's just been faithful in sending people armed with words of counsel and advice. been reading jack hayford's pursuing the will of god, there's even a story behind how i came to read the book. it revolves around Abraham's journey of faith and trust in the will of god and the various aspects covered have been a genuine encouragment as the circumstances were paralleled with the various questions i was asking. peace of mind, i just know that somehow the narrow path will unfold and i'll work the road with my father holding my hand. i guess i really need to let go of expectation. ultimately, i'll keep on singing... 'all to jesus i surrender, all to him i freely give'. let them say what they will, let them expect me to take on what they want, i'm letting go before it really kills me.

i watched Ghost a while ago, ok make that a long while ago since its almost 3. it began as a wonderful romantic show and i was about to turn it off when the whole ghost element was introduced. firstly, i've never really enjoyed shows on the supernatural and secondly i get a bit freaked out. but ghost was different, its truly a hopeless romantic's treat. heh, i was mildly amused by molly's 'i love you' followed aptly by sam's 'ditto'. oh so sweet. between feeling real feel warm and fuzzy, crying like nuts, savouring the action/thriller chase scenes and laughing at the comical titbits i think i became disenchanted with unrealistic romantic notions. oh well, at least it ensures i have a wonderful night of sleep, dreaming about...... let's not go there. anyhow, there were flashes of afterthoughts as the credits rolled. there was a subtle touching on the concept of heaven and hell but obviously based on a different model. i genuinely felt the eventual separation brought closure yet as much as it was peaceful, it was also painful. thats one of my greatest fears about marriage, the possibilty of losing someone loved so dear. can i go first? mabe i should stop ruling out younger men completely huh.

An interesting hybrid of popular film genres, Ghost showcases the talents of its entire cast. While out on the town one evening, New York couple Sam (Patrick Swayze) and Molly (Demi Moore) are confronted by a mugger. After submitting to his demands, Sam is murdered anyway. He then finds himself a disembodied spirit, invisible to the living world, wandering without hope until he finds a spiteful spirit aboard the subway (Vincent Schiavelli) who gives him some helpful pointers on how to co-exist. Soon Sam comes back into contact with those he knew in life, and he begins to learn piece-by-piece of his close friend and co-worker Carl's (Tony Goldwyn) embezzling plot which caused his death; the apparent mugging was, in fact, a premeditated murder. In the meantime, Carl has designs on Molly, and Sam is determined to extract revenge. He contacts a psychic (Whoopi Goldberg), and together, the two set out to serve justice and stop the maniacal Carl from getting to Molly. Blending comedy, romance, action, and horror, Ghost was a box-office smash and managed to garner five Academy Award nominations, including "Best Picture," "Best Supporting Actress" (Goldberg), "Best Original Screenplay," "Best Editing," and "Best Score"; Goldberg won her first Oscar.

i found this insanely humourous: Rating: PG13 (Violence/Adult Situations/Questionable for Children)

what?

Fri, 04 Feb 2005 16:49:14 GMT

a journey in search for answers or direction is never easy, they just never told me it would be this hard. questions left hanging, doubts endlessly plaguing. i wonder when i'll ever be fully certain or when i'll understand his perfect timing in all things. i'm comforted yet by a strange peace of mind. over the next few days i shall resolute to:

sleep earlier
work at maintaining decent skin and work towards a flawless face
pig out less
stop the endless suppers
attempt to return to being a morning person
try to be less moody and grumpy
increase my tolerance levels
be more forgiving towards the pesky flaws and quirks of others
try really hard to laugh out loud over disgustingly funny names of people who already have ahard time going through life with a name like that
tune in more to hear the heart of the father
read more
get some semblance of social life
think - stop being brainless from doing monotonous brainless tasks
get down to coming up with a resume and maybe sending it out
get back on my caffeine spree
build up my friendship with al
purchase new tops
satisfy retail therapy craves
select and practice a piece for week 6
ingrain march 2 into memory
finally watch alfie and ocean's twelve
return my library books
keep in track, keep on jogging
refuse to snack on cakes and dessert at work
be happy
be content
be less cynical
rise out of semi-depression
find challenge in what i'm doing, thats a challenge in itself
read and study the bible
be more open and vocal in expressing questions and views
trust more
enjoy cell
open up to people more
make an effort to ask for advice
make an effort to know, re-know them
be nice and welcome my new colleague
be inclusive
try to be-friend the kids
stop using the word shit, poo all the way
not worry about lurking weird chinese stalkers
put the idea of hong kong on hold
arrange a sit-in in one of smu lectures
research on courses
stop being incessingly worried
try something new - singapore ultimate
attempt to do all of this without going nuts.

leave off.

Tue, 01 Feb 2005 18:04:13 GMT

i'm sorely irritated just by reading what a certain someone wrote. i wonder how the power of language can so affect an individual, its just words ain't it. the problem is perspective, difference being in that the certain someone perhaps doesn't give much thought to what she writes despite her large scope of influence over her seemingly clueless and deluded fans.
Winston Churchill once said that, "We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival." perhaps the aftermath of too many incidents of suffering remain like fresh wounds bleeding within our heads, refusing to clot with the subtle pain of reality. it is difficult to go through life quenching the vivid images and the voices echoing questions and doubts. Basically we all arrive at the end of the road in our own time, armed only with an empty suitcase meant for answers and a looming thought that we try to push to the back of our heads. The big ‘why’ word. I am tired of hearing the sentiments of many regarding what happened on the 26th. I do believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, the different folks, different strokes theory but somehow that perspective does not reconcile with a gracious loving father and the subject of judgement and tragedy.
I guess many do feel that it was an act of judgement upon the people for their acts of cruel persecution among god’s people in that country. I once felt that way but after really giving it careful thought, I found no way to reconcile this with my own belief system. Take the story of job, he had to endure various types of suffering just so that his devotion and faith in god could be tested. I also found answers in Luke 13:2-5 “Do you think that these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other Galileans because they suffered this way? 3I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish. 4Or those eighteen who died when the tower in Siloam fell on them - do you think they were more guilty than all the others living in Jerusalem? 5I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish.” And in John 9:1-2, in the incident involving the healing of the blind man “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” It has been assumed from ancient times that a calamity would only befall those who were very sinful, a mindset adopted from the days of the Jewish teachers. It is and would be an easier pill to swallow if indeed our actions beget consequences that were actually deserving. Yet somehow this never happens in reality, I mean how do you think the phrase ‘life is unfair.’ was penned.
I’ve always found it difficult to deal with the whole issue of pain and suffering but I guess as one keeps walking down the path in search for understanding, revelation will gradually surface. Or at least I optimistically hope it will. The New Year’s resolution still stands at finding more answers and establishing clearer direction. I’m desperately seeking direction in terms of God’s calling, my strengths and interests, imposed expectations and the rippling effect of my decision and choices. Somehow I really need something to guide me as I transit to the next phase of my journey. I figure I must be real deaf or insensitive, or maybe there is purpose in aimless wandering and thinking? A shout from heaven please! Light please! Argh. Anyhow, 'When suffering comes, we yearn for some sign from God, forgetting we have just had one.' (Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960)

displaced.

Sat, 22 Jan 2005 17:03:47 GMT

i do not want to be evicted nor do i want to be displaced. i am happy this way. i am, despite all its flawed imperfections. they have faded away into the crevasse of a crack upon the realisation that i could be moved to an utterly unfamiliar environment with no landmarks to guide my way. guess i'll be groping my way around again. i'll miss the park in which i jog, now on alternate days. the occasional bits of eye candies that keep me going, especially cute-dimpled-stupid-enough-to-run-in-a-jersey-guy and handsome-tonned-tanned-army-man. i'll even miss the leering old men with thier hairy stubby legs and pot bellies. i'll miss seeing the familiar people from ls despite my not wanting to see them at all. i'll miss the convenience of the kovan MRT station, my favourite Never-early-line. i'll even miss loserland aka heartland mall. i'll miss my single young doctor with the sports car. i'll miss being able to walk to the polyclinic for falsy earned mcs even though i don't need them no more. i'll miss the crazy walk to the stinky overcrowded pool and the poser gym nearby. i'll miss the luxury of being able to walk to work. i'll miss having the bus-stop right at my doorstep, i've long considered it part of my house. i'll miss the secluded quiet park, with memories of vodka, port and wine glasses that just seemed out of place. i'll miss being able to walk to church. i'll miss not having to include transportation time on sunday mornings. i'll miss having a bus to practically everywhere around the island. i'll miss at least 5 different bus stops that i can walk to. i'll miss having direct buses, trains to both smu and nus. i'll miss using my shiny set of keys which haven't even been worn out yet. i'll miss my cosy room and its quirky personal touches. i'll miss my hand-painted mirrors and frames all stuck nicely on my purple wall. i'll miss my red wall. i'll miss the cranky doorbell that doesn't work, the satisfaction from watching people press it countless times and wondering why they're still stranded outside the short black gate. i'll miss having the only gate which makes me feel tall cause i have to bend over to get out. i'll miss the stuffy attic and all its dustmites. i'll miss the wooden leader that leads all the way up. i'll miss the roof garden and the heavenly view of flickering stars. i'll miss the grand antique of a chandelier that hangs suspended from a single metal chain, i'm still amazed. i'll miss the way its able to light up the entire house in splendour and grandeur. i'll miss the old bricks that are so old you can sell them off brick by brick. i'll miss the freaky breakouts that occur during every storm. i'll miss.... [to be continued]

basically, i don't want to move. i hope we don't move to that ulu-ated place. i don't care about a bigger room nor an adjoining toilet. a car might help. oh yeah. basic theory here i come. my fault for being such a horrible procratinator. poo.

hands of clay.

Tue, 18 Jan 2005 13:56:48 GMT

"I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

Not many things in this lifetime have seemed this right nor have ever been this fruitful. Serving, working with the little cute Sunday school kids has taught me far more than self-centered pursuits of knowledge, materials or skills. True, these things almost seem inseparable for survival in this world of competitive rat races, yet the sheer innocence that bringes on ignorance perhaps provides the most precious lessons of all. It was a mistake to bear the mindset of reluctance and inadequacy before stepping into that classroom of tiny tables and chairs, bright red, blue and cheery. colours that represented the diversity of the various individuals that walked in with shy, cheeky and blank faces. Sitting perplexed in my own stubby chair, I scratched my head and wondered what every child would expect of me eventually. Perhaps it was the fear of being entrapped within that placed immense pressure on me, my legs directed towards the door, all ready to bolt out if any kid so much as whined, let alone cried. In many things, perhaps you do not need to do much. Perhaps just sitting in. doing small tasks to help the kids makes one's presence felt. A class made of many more little girls than boys, mostly shy and reserved, with sweet smiles and crooked cute teeth reserved for the occasional laugh or grin when two pairs of eyes are locked in contact, as if we know some big conspirical secret that no one else is aware of. It was that experience that you imparted to me through your tender life that day that made me realise that in time i could do this after all, that I could love doing this after all.

You sat there all quiet, not knowing what to say because your little friend wasn't there. I’ve been told you're intellectually slower than average kids and that perhaps would account for you being more withdrawn. You needed help as your hands grasped that blue booklet, in truth you probably wanted to crush it and tear it into a million pieces. Then perhaps you wouldn't be so different, wouldn't be so inadequate, wouldn't be so lost after all. I glanced across at that blank face that reminded me so much of myself at the age of 5, lost, inadequate and shrunk within myself. That was all the prompting I needed. When you told me in all plain innocence, simplicity and helplessness that you did not know how to do every question, as your fingers moved gingerly over every line, I finally understood the depth of subtle discrimination that scars so deep. Deep within your poor unfortunate soul, you never did understand why they looked at you differently, why you could never be as fast or intelligent as the other kids or why teachers gave you both positive and negative special attention. There lies within oneself the question of fairness and perhaps even the reason why the heavenly father created you the way you are. And I realise it is so the gracious glory of the father can be revealed to those who reach in and allow you to share your life to. What I feel now is not pity, not so much compassion but understanding. Because once upon a time, I felt almost the same way, not in the same aspect but in everyway questioning why I was so different, so helpless and so lost. At that point I questioned God's sovereign purpose in that life-moulding experience, but it is only in a future circumstance that I’ve finally understood. That was his truly his divine plan for me.</span>

bam ka-boom doom

Thu, 13 Jan 2005 15:29:29 GMT

[let me go so i can fly.]

perhaps it seems all wrong when everything seems to be going right and then suddenly bam!, out of nowhere. a bombshell drops square center splitting your head right smack into two. and boy boy boy, doesn't it hurt. sometimes i wonder if its just issues issues issues that arise out of communication breakdown, but there you have it, the irreconciliable generation/role gap that leaves you feeling like an overprotected whiny teenager of 5 years ago. it has just about come to a point where its so freaky, it leaves me all cold and uncomfortable. or is it once again just the inevitable concept of seemingly drastic change that has creeped over my shoulder and is staring right into my face. too quick, too swift. i can't adapt. somehow, there are many aspects i should revel in, or maybe even exploit. but i can't bear to. it only makes me feel more psychologically attached and dependent. it is the feeling of wanting, of yearning to break free from the chains that bind but leaving Gretel breadcrumbs along the way so that perhaps return remians an option. gawsh, i'm turning 19. there is something wrong in all of this.

What is perfect without imperfection? when nothing goes wrong and it seems like the picture is perfect. it isn't. its just pleasant. as depicted in pleasantville, somehow imperfection brings about colour, joy, excitement and perhaps the essential balance that hinges it all together. somehow. the very aspect that one needs to learn to embrace in oneself. love yourself? respect yourself? how true.

i love smmoooo.

Thu, 06 Jan 2005 13:15:05 GMT

SMU fees set to be higher than rival varsities'

Poll shows prospective students and parents willing to pay more for varsity of their choice

By Sandra Davie

EDUCATION CORRESPONDENT

SINGAPORE Management University, the newest university here, is setting its own tuition fees, which are likely to be higher than those of the National University of Singapore and the Nanyang Technological University.

It is doing so after a survey of prospective students and their parents, which it had commissioned last year, indicated that they are willing to pay more for a university of their choice.

Its provost, Professor Tan Chin Tiong, said the survey confirmed that SMU has differentiated itself from the other two universities.

'It has certainly defined a new competitive space in the educational arena and provided significant value options for potential students,' he added.

However, he would not disclose how much more the 648 respondents would be willing to pay, saying only that the new fees will be announced with the survey results by the end of this month.

The first hint that SMU would take a different route came last month when NUS and NTU raised their tuition fees but SMU did not.

Undergraduates at the other two universities will pay about 5 per cent more from August this year. Now, students, other than those in dentistry and medicine, pay $5,650 a year. The hike raises their fees by $280, while medical and dentistry undergraduates will pay an extra $810 a year. In the SMU survey, students and parents were asked how they perceived the five-year-old university relative to NUS and NTU.

They picked 'creative', 'modern', 'exciting', 'vibrant', 'fun', 'confident' and 'stylish' from the list of adjectives offered.

NUS was described as 'established', 'familiar' and 'reliable', and NTU 'traditional' and 'down-to-earth'.

Provost Tan said: 'We're thrilled to have words like 'adventurous' and 'modern' used for SMU.' In a Straits Times survey last year among junior college students, half of the 833 interviewed said they would be willing to pay more for a university of their choice. That poll also showed NUS was most preferred as it was the most established and prestigious. Yesterday, six out of the 10 junior college and polytechnic students interviewed said they were willing to pay a higher fee for their preferred university if the difference was reasonable.

Final-year Ngee Ann Polytechnic student Selena Ow, 19, who is eyeing a place at SMU, said: 'The difference shouldn't be more than 10 per cent. If it was, SMU would have to convince me that what it has to offer is far beyond that at NUS and NTU.'

no!!! no!!! no!!! i mind the fees hike. thats one less reason to go. "i love smooo!!" oh well, i'm willing to pay more for the university of choice. i am? i'm beginning to have second thoughts. SMU's advertising prograame i.e. inviting taufik and sly is severe overkill. smoo schamoo.

baaa

Tue, 04 Jan 2005 16:41:19 GMT

Peter said to Him, ’Lord, why can I not follow You now?’
—John 13:37

There are times when you can’t understand why you cannot do what you want to do. When God brings a time of waiting, and appears to be unresponsive, don’t fill it with busyness, just wait. The time of waiting may come to teach you the meaning of sanctification—to be set apart from sin and made holy—or it may come after the process of sanctification has begun to teach you what service means. Never run before God gives you His direction. If you have the slightest doubt, then He is not guiding. Whenever there is doubt—wait.

At first you may see clearly what God’s will is—the severance of a friendship, the breaking off of a business relationship, or something else you feel is distinctly God’s will for you to do. But never act on the impulse of that feeling. If you do, you will cause difficult situations to arise which will take years to untangle. Wait for God’s timing and He will do it without any heartache or disappointment. When it is a question of the providential will of God, wait for God to move.

Peter did not wait for God. He predicted in his own mind where the test would come, and it came where he did not expect it. "I will lay down my life for Your sake." Peter’s statement was honest but ignorant. "Jesus answered him, ’ . . . the rooster shall not crow till you have denied Me three times’ " ( John 13:38 ). This was said with a deeper knowledge of Peter than Peter had of himself. He could not follow Jesus because he did not know himself or his own capabilities well enough. Natural devotion may be enough to attract us to Jesus, to make us feel His irresistible charm, but it will never make us disciples. Natural devotion will deny Jesus, always falling short of what it means to truly follow Him.

sometimes its as if it was placed there just for you, as if the lord was speaking through the very words. to run before the voice of confirmation or answer and realise that the road was full of pitfalls and traps. truly he knows the plans he has for his child and although resistence arises from our natural desires, the potter never fails to mould us back into shape, the shepherd guiding sheep onto the right path and the father bringing us home. somehow he's opened doors that seem to have been shut, closed doors which i was foolishly lured to believeing were open for me. steady and slow, they stumble that run fast. (friar lawrence, R&J) i've tripped over the stubs of my own feet, fallen flat and cried out in pain but he's picking me up. his will over mine.

MORE THAN I CAN EVER IMAGINE
You’re more than life
You’re more than this
You’re more than I can ever imagine
You’re all I want
You’re all I need
You’re all I’ll ever seek in this world

sing of your great love.

Sun, 02 Jan 2005 17:12:02 GMT

12:35am. i shall feebly attempt to put myself to sleep by 1. *shot in the arm... konk.* in the morning, it was revelation. it was like the red blinking light flashing above my head and going beep beep, drawing my attention to its contant pull. perhaps i've been rolling the same questions around with the grey matter in my head and somehow they couldn't seem to gel together. altogether seperate entities from intellectual knowledge or understanding. its almost impossible to try and reconcile tragedy with mere human understanding nor is it possible to feel the piercing pain with the mind. it was difficult to deal with the ever-rising death toll, trying to find joy amidst the circumstances and ultimately finally understanding what joy really is.
doubt that lured me away from trust and belief, a lie from the evil man down there, pulling the chain of uncertainty and bitterness so hard that i barely had strength to resist. playing with my sensitivity, fooling with my empathetic hurt, striking where it would hit hardest. the deceptive grey clouds have all cleared now, the rain's poured through till my eyes were dry and there beneath the beaming sky, a rainbow emerges as one is reminded of god's wonderful promise of love, grace and so much mercy. and onyl because of that that i could be assured of acceptance and an embrace upon return. one of those songs that i chanced upon that really spoke to my inner soul.

LORD HERE I AM
Here I am
Before Your throne
Revelling in Your presence Lord
I know You’re here
You hold me close
Draw me nearer still, O God
Pre-Chorus
I know I’m justified in You
And I rejoice because of You
With every breathe and beat of my heart
I give to You
Chorus
Lord here I am to stay
I’ll dwell in Your house forever
Holy is my King
With all my heart and soul I’ll gladly sing
I’ll sing of Your great love
I’ll give You praise till forever
Worthy is my King
The One who sent His Son to die for me
Lord here I am
Lord here I am

on another note, we visited my paternal auntie, actually auntie-in-law i think. well, she's been sick with lymphomia and a whole lot of other ailments, cancer included. i guess it really hit me hard when i saw her, it hasn't been that long but sickness really ages a person. withered, weathered and worn, its true, she has really been through a storm. it was almost emotionally traumatic for her to recount and relate the whole ordeal as she shared the many ups and downs she had to endure. what was realy encouraging was the faith, hope and peace that she held so strongly to despite much pain, shock and disappointment. it was a timely reminder of there being a god who sustains and even enabled one who was afflicted to minister to other individuals with the same need. perhaps paul was right, to become a gentile so as to minister to the gentiles. people always talk aobut how sickness is an opportunity to minister to others but to be able to touch others despite being similarly broken is amazing. my parents brought us all over because they had the burden to pray for her, to release words into her life. god proved to be a god who speaks through every vessel. just when we all closed our eyes to pray, a verse suddenly came to mind, jer 29:10. i know that one oh so well, for i know my plans for you. plas to prosper and not to harm. plans to give you a hope and a future. almost dismissed it. and then my mum started praying and she released exactly the same verse. apparently the lord had burdened both my parents with that same verse. meant a tremendous lot to me, god hasn't spoken in that way for a while. almost forgot the way it feels. just fantastic.
its going to be an exciting year of challenges. a year of breakthroughs, of miracles, of growth. yes yes yes. lord, here i am.

distant relations.

Sat, 01 Jan 2005 05:10:00 GMT

i'm supposed to be over at a relatives' place for New Year lunch. opted out to remain in the lonesome company of my own. they've stopped bugging me a long time ago although my dad did call and he did sound disappointed. its indeed rare when the house is devoid of familiar voices and noises yet strangely i enjoy the seething silence to indulge in personal time. soothing music echoing softly amidst the chaos of one's soul. awakened by dreams depicting harsh possibilities, dreams that proved to be too real for gentle sleep. i didn't wish to be amongst the distant close relations , at least to cease pretending i did enjoy the company of people who nice as they are provide no intellectual stimulation nor understanding. its more than perhaps a different frequency, its a self-set boundary and distance. if you have to ask, you're not entitled to know. seriously i don't exactly care. i can replay the strings of conversation that would resound repeatedly. so your A levels are over? what you going to do during these months? what you going to study in uni? many might think its disrespect but i don't see the point in the point of fulfiling an obligation for the mere sake of it. nor the benefit of a fantastic free lunch. say my priorities are wrong. perhaps they are, for family to be so low on the list. honestly i choose not to perceive it in that way. i believe its something in which actions need not speak only for themselves. basically its no point pretending that non-existent bonds exist. oh yes... go ahead... shake your head, wise off duffhead. you're worrying about their sacred presence at yours truly's future wedding. firstly, its unlikely that that future will come before judgement day. secondly, i almost couldn't care less. i've always savoured the thrilling flavour of eloping or a simple ceremony in the maldives. yes, maldives please don't sink and cease to exist. live i've told many, marriage is merely a union between two. therefore, logically isn't only the presence of the happy couple of utmost importance? poo. stupid chinese traditional ceremonial dinner banquets. in the midst of reading tony parson's man and wife (family way is up next) and was mildly amused at this acute observation. 'only twice in your life do they pronounce you anything. the first is man and wife. the second is dead.' fanstastic honesty that enables one to truly identify with a novel about - why we fall in love anf why we marry; about why we stay and why we go. it is supremely feel good which is also precisely why i'm hooked. the sugar lump in my cup of bitter black coffee. its interesting ain't it, why we stay and why we go? it occurred to me that there exists a thin fine line between the two and all that sets one apart is whether one has been able to cross the line. its like ryan cabrera's song, 'I've waited all my life to cross this line to the only thing thats true.' its just too bad we can't seem to strike a healthy balance between belief and trust and that pinch of worthy caution. off to curl up with parson's shallow feel-good philosophy. happy 1st of jan.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche

back from winter vacation.

Fri, 31 Dec 2004 17:46:33 GMT

just as the last leaf began its descent onto the cold, hard ground, i've decided to plant a little seed for the new year. in any case, Happy New Year. i remember distinctly penning down my new year's reflections for 2003 in poetry but somehow 2004 just doesn't seem to be choke full of that same flavour and emotion. perhaps its more of a stench than an aroma, accompanied by the bitter aftertaste of loss. the recent earthquake-tsunami disaster has left its mark before leaping off into the new year. the ever-rising death toll, the pictures depicting mothers weeping over dead children, the mass burial of bodies, limp dead disembered fish - what they call the stench of death, the loom of oppressive doom. its hardest to reconcile the aspect of me that wants to believe the divine hand of mercy and grace is upon this. i'm still trying. a haunted past stuffed beneath old baggage rising too quickly that i'm being suffocated by questions of self-doubt of belief.

LAST RUNG OF THE WORKFORCE.
somehow i resent being right at the bottom of the ranks in the workforce. rejection, dejection and arrogance runs rampant here, its true my fragile self-esteem has endured blow after blow. do not talk about relief teaching. the incompetent, screwed up droids at MOle managed to screw up a computer application. excuse me, the application was sent in more than a month ago, do you mind doing what you are being paid to do. %$^*%$^. in any case, i've temporal employment for 2 weeks. the same job that i was hired for, fired from (before starting work) and hired again. the employers hold not only the trump cards but all the cards in the bloody deck. they control the whole game and the only cards in my hands are that of the mocking joker. read between the lines, i miss school. i miss studying. i actually contemplated the option of not working. i would take up akido or karate lessons, improve my banana fingers strumming-chording, snuggle up with philip k. dick, tony parsons and psycho books and gracefully accept that i'm truly an intellect. the pull of temptation and procrastination however could not suppress the lure of the call which beckons in May. it whispers in deep resounding echos - hhhhoooonnnggg kkkkoonnngg.

WITHDRAWAL.
perhaps its just me. the misfit. socially inept and awakward i do so believe by choice. 3 years. its been that long. i wouldn't say that people aren't nice nor are they utterly exclusive, its just not feeling real close to anyone there. yes, i miss stace a lot. perhaps i just need the one special friend in the place or that i'm just clingy. that might be it. i can't seem to find the click, the gel, the pieces that would link together and give me the courage to be completely bared and real. i'm insecure that way, its a fragment that has lingered too long from my past. close friendships but never believing that i need a scatter of 'friends' to suround me. it just feels good huh. let the esteem levels go through another bruising. its just wasn't the same. i know i definitely enjoyed meeting up with the triumvirate so much more than attending watchnight. its where i can peel off the layers of self-consciousness, of social gawkiness, of awakward silences. the triumvirate rocks.
the only feeling that plagued was the desire to escape, to run, to return under the shelter of my withdrawal. yet, i knew that it was ultimately good because i reckoned i had gone for the right reasons. i would have shunned all the social bling-blong, the superficial chatter or the megawatt plastic smile plastered on my face. i guess the Lord showed me that he fills the many voids in my life, the insecurities fade in comparision to his perfect love. its true i'm still dealing with the insecurities of a childhood of being overlooked but he's doing a slow but certain work of healing and restoration. i'm grateful.

BEAUTIFUL SOUL.
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

I know that you are something special
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me

upheavel. turmoil. conflict. the stirring up of emotion within me in this year sickened. fluctuation of ups and downs, of needs, of desires, of simple child-like yearnings. independence still going strong, the rest is in itself mission impossible. delirious joy from divine assurances of fulfilment, i'll keep running, keep going on.

MURPHY'S LAW
Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. when it comes to me, today was no exception. the floods of tsunami evaporated and poured down on sunny island singapore. plans to climb the steep hill of smoo were dashed, unless we wanted to swim through mud and gravel. was going to meet the triumvirate clad in white top, short flowery skirt, slippers and paper bag. stepped out of the house with no omen of impending doom. prepares to cross road with mock womanly confidence. road has a crevasse, a puddle has formed in it. bus speeds past and drenches the unlucky girl from head to toe. would have held my head high and crossed over if it wasn't a white top. oh well. my mini tsunami experience. i'm sure the man up there had a good laugh, i did too. seriously, i thought these things only happen in shows. *splash splash* figures. my day-to-day happenings could come under the genre of comedy. bringing on horror movie and definitely ending in tragedy. in short, i did so feel like the born loser. as the Murphy Philosophy goes: Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.

precisely because i thought i knew. that i got left behind.

Wed, 06 Oct 2004 14:31:50 GMT

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons ev’rywhere
I’ve looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on ev’ryone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s cloud illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all

Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev’ry fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way

But now it’s just another show
You leave ’em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living ev’ry day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all
I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

darkness falls.

Sun, 03 Oct 2004 17:34:24 GMT

if darkness was night
i'll hide between the rafters,
crouched bent in the corner,
and soak in streams of moonlight.
i know it wasn't night before,
before darkness was a colour,
a colour in life i lived for.
if only it'd disappear,
vanish amongst the moon and orion's belt,
vanquishing doubt, fear and irresolution
leaving behind an abyss, a promise of help
because perhaps emptiness is comfort in peace,
peace in comfort, where darkness melts.
no illuminating light beams line
the war-sodden path of the race.
only darkness,
darkness of another race,
darkness of another face.
yet a strangely familiar mess.
confunded fragments of another time.
when darkness was a colour, a fight.
it was as i knew it then, mine.
if darkness was night,
oh god be my guiding light,
i'll let go
when the darkness shines bright.

for now, its goodbye. its space, distance and detachment. its learning to surrender even though everything seems dark. lord be my light in this last lap. i'll trust.